Thoughts on Thursday

The last 11 days have been a roller coaster. My grandmother, who I was close to, went from recovering nicely from a planned surgery, to becoming critically ill to fighting to survive to having more surgeries to ultimately passing away. She was pretty healthy and active, still living by herself, still cooking for her family and coming to all the family functions. So it was shocking, to say the least.

True to the Kubler-Ross model, I watched myself glide through the stages of grief. At first, I just kept waiting for the bad dream to end... For the doctors to come back and say they made a mistake, and in fact, she would live. 

Next, I was pissed. Pissed that I spend my days and nights saving other people's grandmothers, yet mine couldn't be spared? Not to mention the nature of that medical training has kept me from spending quality time with my grandmother and the rest of my family. Time I can't get back now. Time that I thought I would have once training ends in just one... more... year.

I thankfully never felt completely hopeless and depressed. I had my moments of What will we [the family] do now?, Who will be our cheerleader?, Who will be that unmoving rock of stability and love and peace? But, a lot of those feelings came up during the funeral -- where I also got to hear how she not only had such a relationship with her children and grandchildren, but everyone. She exuded her peace and love and strength wherever she went. And I realized that she wouldn't want me falling apart. The best way to pay tribute to her and her life would be to learn from her.

I had an important interview less than 2 days after her funeral. I knew she'd want me to pull it together and kick butt. That's what she would say if she were here. That's what she would do herself. So I tried to channel the peace that seemed to come so easily to her and accept the fact that my Nana is gone, but her legacy and her love will always be in my heart. And that it will be okay. We will be okay. I will be okay.

So here I am. Keeping on... And yes, I got the position I interviewed for.

Thanks Nana for being my inspiration. I miss you.

Photo collage of Nana: